Doubts
by Kasia B
Summary: Murdock has doubts about his relationship with mysterious girl he got to know in dramatic circumstances. Warnings: graphic sexual content, mention of war violence and suicide attempt. And, what's even worse, a bit of pathos and naivety.
**'I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is'**

 **Bon Jovi, 'Bed of roses'**

* * *

Woman woke up with Murdock's scream. She saw him sitting on our bed with head on his hands. In a while he started crying quietly. She sat on her knees behind him and hugged him.

"Sorry for awaking you..."

"It's nothing, really, It's nothing...It was only a nightmare, I'm here with you..." Woman held her breasts stronger against his back and turned hand down from his chest. "Let me cheer you up..."

"No," he said and caught her hand. "I don't want you to do this only for me. I wanna do this only because of love, not for escape from fear." he kissed her fingers. They'd been couple from some time, but didn't make love yet and pilot didn' force his better half.

She didn't know what to say. Had tears in her eyes, lied cheek on his shoulder and let him decide, if he wants speak or not. She lied hand on his heart. It was beating fast. She could almost feel muscle pulsating under his ribs.

"I flew over river..." he started. "Suddenly, water became red and I saw flowing corpses, including women and children...Heard screams of people begging for rescue..." he sobbed.

"Vietnam..." she whispered. "But you didn't kill nobody. You didn't do anything wrong. It's not your fault."

"I know, but I still can't handle it all. So much pain, so much suffer and death...What for? Why? Why people do it to each other? Then and nowadays..."

"I wish I could answer..." she said and now they were crying together. His sensibility was so touching. "I guess all we can do is pray..."

"You should leave me. You won't be able to sleep normally. What if I'll have to go to VA again? How your life will look like? Coursing between house and hospital? I don't want this for you..."

"If I'd left you, I'd became insane and we'll meet at VA. " woman smiled involuntary thru tears.

"Please, don't josh me."

"But aren't you kidding me? Do you really think, that in the morning I'll pack up myself and leave?"

"I know you won't, but I'm afraid you'll waste your life by my side."

"My poor fool..." she sat near and took his head into her hands, kissing his forehead. In moonlight she could see wet traces on his face. "My life would be dissipated without you. Don't you remember, how we met each other? You find me by coincident, when I was standing at the edge of rocks, ready to end my life with jump. I don't think I looked like someone who want to commit suicide, more just like ordinary tourist. But you felt something, came to me and in last second grabbed my hand. And then all night long you were listening to story of my pitiful life. You've saved my body and later, with your love – my soul..."

"I'm affraid you confuse love with gratefulness..."

"No!" she put her hands on his shoulders "No, I'm sure of that...I didn't believe in nothing till you showed me world I didn't know...World of good emotions and warmth...And who knows, I may be real problem for you, at least suicidal attempt isn't symptom of sanity...Rather, you confuse love with mercy."

"You're crazy thinking like that. Seems like we're two crazy people."

"Aren't we fit together?"

"I guess so..." he said and wiped the tears from her face. They started kissing and petting each other.

"I love you so much...I want you all over," she whispered and kissed his scars after shots. Thought, that he was so close to death got a lump in her throat. Fate was so cruel to both – his body and psyche.

Murdock took of her her silky nightie. He was fondling her small, but firm breasts and neck with his lips. He could hear her heart pounding. Her skin had light scent of lilac body lotion.

When he had already erection, woman took off him his boxers. Man lied her on back and entered her gently, but deeply. He clung to her with whole his body, like he was afraid she's gonna disappear, like she was only imagination of his haunted mind.

"Am I too heavy?" he asked very quietly.

"No, it's ok."

Murdock's moves were slow, he wished this moment to last as long as it was possible. When he felt his climax was coming, he withered motionless with whole penis into her and gasped breath, lifted head and glanced at her face with his large, almost painfully beautiful brown eyes, and whispered in a trembling voice:

"I really...Really...Love you."

Another dozen or so pushes and pilot got off. He lied down near her, looked worry and disappointed with himself.

"You didn't have an orgasm," he ascertained, not asked.

„How did he know?" she thought. "No, but it's not most important thing."

To be honest, no one never made love so beautifully to her and this gave her more satisfaction and pleasure, than few second of ecstasy's spasm. But for some reason she couldn't say this. He saw her embarrassment and decided not to leave it like this. She deserved for bliss too. Pilot touched her womb, slid hand, parted tenderly labia and put his fingers on clitoris. When he's begun moving fast on it, woman moaned. She was still randy, therefore powerful climax soon commoved her body and she tightened her one fist on bedsheet and the other on lover's arm.

"Please, don't fall asleep now" she whispered, when she could catch breath again.

"I won't." Captain hugged her tight for a long while.

She lied head on his chest. He embraced her fondly and they started talking about their dreams and future. At the break of dawn they fell asleep, this time – peacefully.

The end


End file.
